Writing is hard.

Writing is hard. I used to enjoy it, but lately my writing has become totally linear and I have lost the ability to talk in a waltz. I'm rusty and know it.

So I've started a blog, to get myself back in the habit of thinking slower and articulating better. The classes I've had the last few years all require a pincer-like mentality of dissecting ideas and making ordered lists. While that's the nature of the work I hope to do, I don't think that's the kind of person I want to become: literal, linear, limited to what can be linked or unlinked in a logic chain.

Maybe it's more than just the classes that have done this to me. When was the last time I went on a walk without caring where I wound up? I don't even remember. I go from Point A to Point B, possibly with a few pre-picked stops along the way. I never, ever, ever go out and keep going, making turns as it suits me. Maybe it's because I know my feet will get tired and I don't want to be stuck someplace awful with no one to come pick me up. But in writing or thinking, that's perfectly fine. You can start one place and wind up somewhere you didn't map out ahead of time.

And what about life? Before graduating college I had figured out (and even gotten a tentative offer on) my ideal post-doc. New developments make me think that's not actually the direction I want to go, but I had mapped out my training completely in my mind and set things moving in that direction. That's almost ten years of my life. Completely planned out. And not even the correct ten years - I've since changed my mind on what I wanted to do! But I felt compelled to figure it out for myself and to have a plan I could fall back on.

I did the same thing for college. Freshman year I would make a new four-year plan every other week, saying "this is how I will become an Art Historian" or "this is how I will become an Environmental Engineer." Neither is even close to what I'm doing now. Even when I know I don't know what I'm doing, I like having a picture of what I am going to be like down the line.

And it extends beyond academics. When I was dating Izaak, I started thinking about the relationship in longer terms: should I pay to do a masters at Berkeley so I could stay close by in the Bay Area? Days after I started thinking about planning my next years around him, he dumped me. I was so wrapped up in my hopes that I was oblivious to the writing on the wall. And I haven't learned my lesson. I just caught myself speculating on a romantic future with a (wonderful) guy who it turns out isn't even available.

So this is my January 21 Resolution: I'm going to start living less in my head, and walking less in a line (except in Baltimore where I might get mugged if I tarry), and writing less like a drone. I'm going to start savoring circles and pointless errands. And hopefully this will break me out of a mental habit I don't think is doing me much good.

Cheers