Sweet Faculty Candidate

My favorite faculty candidate so far (Brandon) was back on campus today for a second interview. I really hope he gets the job!

Among other things, he's interested in arsenic metabolism genetics, and has connections to a *huge* cohort study in Bangladesh that has enough people for a well-powered GWAS.

If he came to Hopkins, I could do an arsenic GWAS plus the candidate gene work I'm doing already with Ana, and that's enough papers on the same topic for a dissertation! Hello thesis.

ALSO, because he'd be a super junior faculty, I could do "co-advising" and keep my current adviser, who is a big part of why I wanted to come to this school. And arsenic has a lot of epigenetic effects, so I could keep the plan of working on epigenetics with her while still keeping under the arsenic umbrella and working towards a totally coherent (and super interesting!) research program.

"Change rooms in your mind for a day."

It's a line from a poem by Hafiz. I came across it today as I enjoyed yet another snow day in my apartment and spent the afternoon on the internet.

I feel like it's critically important to take a day every once in a while to do something you don't usually do. It doesn't have to be a huge adventure, though those are fun. Sometimes it's enough to expose yourself to a different way of thinking. Besides a short walk today I didn't leave my apartment, but I feel like I now have a totally different perspective than I had this morning.

I tend to be selectively risk-averse. In areas where I think if I think about it hard enough, I'll come to a right answer (and cheat the risk), I tend to favor risks and bold behavior. For example, the 'out there' ideas I have for arsenic metabolism genes are not nearly as exciting for my PI (who wants to start with more obvious and likely-to-yield-a-positive-result candidate genes) as they are for me.

But in areas where I don't feel like I can think away the risk, I am super risk-averse. For example: HIV. I was so concerned about contracting HIV that I worried I might get it from touching door handles with a cut fingertip if someone with HIV and a similar cut had touched the surface recently before me. You can imagine how this affects my attitudes toward sex.

But I realized today that the risk-to-benefit ratio isn't that skewed in real life. This doesn't mean I'm about to start hooking up with random strangers, but I feel like I changed my perspective on how I evaluate risks. I think of (low probability) undesired outcomes as possibilities now, instead of as "almost certainties". My stress level has gone way down.

It's funny that my emotional response to risk is so strong when I plan to spend my career estimating risk, and am comfortable describing events like cancer or heart attacks in detached and academic terms. I think it's that I don't have good numbers in mind when I think about the things that I feel are more likely to happen to me personally.

Taking the Plunge

I'm now registered for the 2010 International Lindy Hop Championships in Washington DC (Jack and Jill Open).

This is my first ever swing dance competition, and I'm going to be paired off with a stranger. So that this experience doesn't suck for them, I'm going to practice practice practice practice practice from now to August. Like, all the time.

I'm not anticipating winning any prizes (have you SEEN those YouTube clips?) but I am so excited to be going, and participating, and getting to see the best dancers do the most insane things, live. And I get a T shirt, too!

God Bless YouTube

I think one of my all-time favorite things are YouTube swing dance videos. The music is so bright, and the people are so good. It just gives me a happy rush. Plus, I pick out new steps to try out the next time I go dancing.

This link is to a dance set to "Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey". I first heard this song when I was stage crew at a community theater production of Tintypes, a musical that's basically Pop Hits of the 1860s-1920s. The song was published in 1902. The singer in this version sounds a lot like Ella Fitzgerald, but I can't quite tell if it's her. I dare you to watch it without smiling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAatB6tF1Vg&feature=player_embedded

Snow Day Reflections

I'm snowed in today, so I've decided to take a moment for deeper reflection than "such and such happened today". The topic du jour is Relationships. As a forewarning, this post is a bit of a downer.

I admit that I still have some trouble with the fact that I'm gay. It's not that I think I'm going to hell, or that I'm particularly concerned about peoples' opinions. I'm a little neurotic about getting HIV/AIDS, but that's something that can be prevented. My biggest problem is the feeling of loneliness and anxiety I get when I reflect on my chances of ever having a stable relationship.

I got my palms read a year ago on a bus to Oregon by a girl who thought it would be fun. I've since forgotten her name. She looked at my left hand and said "Oh, that's interesting. Your heart line is completely discontinuous. It starts and stops the whole way through. I've never seen that before." I asked her what that meant and she paused for a minute and asked to see my other hand. I gave it to her and she said, "Well, your right palm has a strong heart line. A solid heart line means that you'll find true love and have a happy romantic life." I can imagine what the start-and-stop heart line means.

It's not that I'm totally superstitious and think a palm reading by a stranger on a bus completely determines my future. But it's a recurring fear I've had since then that maybe I'm one of those people who won't ever be in a lasting relationship. They exist. Maybe I'm doomed to abortive relationships that get me high for a few months and then dissolve, for the rest of my life. Or maybe not. She had a positive interpretation of my right hand, and so even if I were being totally New Agey I'd still have some ambiguity about my future. But I feel like the emotional seed has been planted, and I am reminded of this bus ride whenever my romantic hopes fall through.

It's rare for me to connect with somebody on a meaningful level, and it's even rarer to do this with someone where there's shared physical interest as well. I'm sure it's hard even if you're straight, but I think it's harder in a smaller dating pool, and this is the main problem and fear I have with being gay. I just really like emotional intimacy, and it doesn't happen with just anyone. My best and longest-lasting relationship was with a closeted boy who wouldn't kiss me back, but who would go on long walks with me and talk for hours, and smile when I kissed him. My worry sometimes is that such closeness is going to be transient for the rest of my life. Stupid palm-reader.

I think the best thing I can do at this point is just to meet a lot more people, try not to get my hopes too inflated with any of them, enjoy their company and see how it goes. I'm going out to two mixers this week. My friend Emily invited me to Green Drinks DC, which is a monthly dinner-and-drinks night for young environmental activists on the Hill. My neighbor Kathleen invited me to Valentine's Day speed dating with her at the Med School. Longer-term, I'm going to join a choir and go more regularly to yoga here. Maybe I'll make some outside-class friends from those activities, too. What I'm not going to do is roll over and say, "Hey, I'm the only single gay guy in my department, and one of a handful on my campus. None of these people interest me, so I guess that's it for romance for the next five years!"

Other Good Things

1. Last night I got pretty close to full expression of Hala-asana ("Plow Pose") in my yoga class. That's the one where you lie on your back and lift your straight legs up and over, eventually resting your feet upside down on the floor over your head. My feet weren't quite on the floor (or maybe they were barely touching, but I wasn't putting any weight into them), but I got my knees just above my nose. I tend to be really tight in my hips, hamstrings and back, so opening up this much was a really big accomplishment for me. It felt awesome.

2. I met with my adviser this morning and she gave me the green light to start helping on the mercury meta-analysis, as long as I can postpone the heavy work on it until the summer. Also, my adviser thinks she has a possible dissertation project for me in environmental epigenetics. (!)

3. I checked in with my other boss (arsenic genetics) and she says she's fine with my progress as long as I have something ready for her by the end of February. So I'm not off-track after all with that!

4. Beth likes my red pants.

Delicious Roses part II

I was talking with David's boyfriend Christian, who is one of the better cooks I know. He liked my idea for rose ravioli but suggested it may be better to put the rose petals in the dough than in the filling. It'd make the dough pink, which would be more visually impressive, while having a same-to-bigger impact on the overall flavor. He was sold on my ingredients list and thought the mushroom filling I suggested (minus the roses, which would go in the dough instead) sounded really good. I'm leaning toward a coconut milk reduction (maybe with some more rose petals in that) for the sauce.

I'm thinking of making this as Valentine's Day dinner for my neighbor Kathleen. Her (former) fiance just cheated on her and called the marriage (and the relationship) off. Maybe this will help her get through V-day intact?

Listless

Maybe it's the weather. It's been cold and was stormy enough this morning that they canceled all early-morning classes.

Or maybe it's the jet lag that I never really got over, that turned into hazy insomnia. I wake up at four, five, six in the morning. I'm having microsleeps in lecture against my will by 5. I'm unable to pass out until 11.

Whatever it is, I'm feeling more drained than alive these days. My most elaborate meal I've cooked in the past 48 hours was a microwaved quesadilla. I'm just getting by.

I'm going to go to bed early tonight. Hopefully when I wake I'll be feeling a little more spry.

Be still

There's a Bible verse from Psalms I've always really liked, that goes "Be still, and know that I am God." The idea of being still, of setting your thoughts and worries and stresses aside and simply existing, with a sense of modesty and perspective about the smallness of your problems, is really powerful for me. The other thing that really hits me about that verse is that calmness is a verb. It's always possible, and in that verse commanded, to be still.

I feel like a lot of my life right now would be improved if I took that idea to heart. A great deal of what matters to me is totally outside my control. Rather than letting my anxieties simmer, I should just relax and feel some peace.