Snow Day Reflections

I'm snowed in today, so I've decided to take a moment for deeper reflection than "such and such happened today". The topic du jour is Relationships. As a forewarning, this post is a bit of a downer.

I admit that I still have some trouble with the fact that I'm gay. It's not that I think I'm going to hell, or that I'm particularly concerned about peoples' opinions. I'm a little neurotic about getting HIV/AIDS, but that's something that can be prevented. My biggest problem is the feeling of loneliness and anxiety I get when I reflect on my chances of ever having a stable relationship.

I got my palms read a year ago on a bus to Oregon by a girl who thought it would be fun. I've since forgotten her name. She looked at my left hand and said "Oh, that's interesting. Your heart line is completely discontinuous. It starts and stops the whole way through. I've never seen that before." I asked her what that meant and she paused for a minute and asked to see my other hand. I gave it to her and she said, "Well, your right palm has a strong heart line. A solid heart line means that you'll find true love and have a happy romantic life." I can imagine what the start-and-stop heart line means.

It's not that I'm totally superstitious and think a palm reading by a stranger on a bus completely determines my future. But it's a recurring fear I've had since then that maybe I'm one of those people who won't ever be in a lasting relationship. They exist. Maybe I'm doomed to abortive relationships that get me high for a few months and then dissolve, for the rest of my life. Or maybe not. She had a positive interpretation of my right hand, and so even if I were being totally New Agey I'd still have some ambiguity about my future. But I feel like the emotional seed has been planted, and I am reminded of this bus ride whenever my romantic hopes fall through.

It's rare for me to connect with somebody on a meaningful level, and it's even rarer to do this with someone where there's shared physical interest as well. I'm sure it's hard even if you're straight, but I think it's harder in a smaller dating pool, and this is the main problem and fear I have with being gay. I just really like emotional intimacy, and it doesn't happen with just anyone. My best and longest-lasting relationship was with a closeted boy who wouldn't kiss me back, but who would go on long walks with me and talk for hours, and smile when I kissed him. My worry sometimes is that such closeness is going to be transient for the rest of my life. Stupid palm-reader.

I think the best thing I can do at this point is just to meet a lot more people, try not to get my hopes too inflated with any of them, enjoy their company and see how it goes. I'm going out to two mixers this week. My friend Emily invited me to Green Drinks DC, which is a monthly dinner-and-drinks night for young environmental activists on the Hill. My neighbor Kathleen invited me to Valentine's Day speed dating with her at the Med School. Longer-term, I'm going to join a choir and go more regularly to yoga here. Maybe I'll make some outside-class friends from those activities, too. What I'm not going to do is roll over and say, "Hey, I'm the only single gay guy in my department, and one of a handful on my campus. None of these people interest me, so I guess that's it for romance for the next five years!"