I think one of my all-time favorite things are YouTube swing dance videos. The music is so bright, and the people are so good. It just gives me a happy rush. Plus, I pick out new steps to try out the next time I go dancing.
This link is to a dance set to "Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey". I first heard this song when I was stage crew at a community theater production of Tintypes, a musical that's basically Pop Hits of the 1860s-1920s. The song was published in 1902. The singer in this version sounds a lot like Ella Fitzgerald, but I can't quite tell if it's her. I dare you to watch it without smiling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAatB6tF1Vg&feature=player_embedded
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Snow Day Reflections
I'm snowed in today, so I've decided to take a moment for deeper reflection than "such and such happened today". The topic du jour is Relationships. As a forewarning, this post is a bit of a downer.
I admit that I still have some trouble with the fact that I'm gay. It's not that I think I'm going to hell, or that I'm particularly concerned about peoples' opinions. I'm a little neurotic about getting HIV/AIDS, but that's something that can be prevented. My biggest problem is the feeling of loneliness and anxiety I get when I reflect on my chances of ever having a stable relationship.
I got my palms read a year ago on a bus to Oregon by a girl who thought it would be fun. I've since forgotten her name. She looked at my left hand and said "Oh, that's interesting. Your heart line is completely discontinuous. It starts and stops the whole way through. I've never seen that before." I asked her what that meant and she paused for a minute and asked to see my other hand. I gave it to her and she said, "Well, your right palm has a strong heart line. A solid heart line means that you'll find true love and have a happy romantic life." I can imagine what the start-and-stop heart line means.
It's not that I'm totally superstitious and think a palm reading by a stranger on a bus completely determines my future. But it's a recurring fear I've had since then that maybe I'm one of those people who won't ever be in a lasting relationship. They exist. Maybe I'm doomed to abortive relationships that get me high for a few months and then dissolve, for the rest of my life. Or maybe not. She had a positive interpretation of my right hand, and so even if I were being totally New Agey I'd still have some ambiguity about my future. But I feel like the emotional seed has been planted, and I am reminded of this bus ride whenever my romantic hopes fall through.
It's rare for me to connect with somebody on a meaningful level, and it's even rarer to do this with someone where there's shared physical interest as well. I'm sure it's hard even if you're straight, but I think it's harder in a smaller dating pool, and this is the main problem and fear I have with being gay. I just really like emotional intimacy, and it doesn't happen with just anyone. My best and longest-lasting relationship was with a closeted boy who wouldn't kiss me back, but who would go on long walks with me and talk for hours, and smile when I kissed him. My worry sometimes is that such closeness is going to be transient for the rest of my life. Stupid palm-reader.
I think the best thing I can do at this point is just to meet a lot more people, try not to get my hopes too inflated with any of them, enjoy their company and see how it goes. I'm going out to two mixers this week. My friend Emily invited me to Green Drinks DC, which is a monthly dinner-and-drinks night for young environmental activists on the Hill. My neighbor Kathleen invited me to Valentine's Day speed dating with her at the Med School. Longer-term, I'm going to join a choir and go more regularly to yoga here. Maybe I'll make some outside-class friends from those activities, too. What I'm not going to do is roll over and say, "Hey, I'm the only single gay guy in my department, and one of a handful on my campus. None of these people interest me, so I guess that's it for romance for the next five years!"
I admit that I still have some trouble with the fact that I'm gay. It's not that I think I'm going to hell, or that I'm particularly concerned about peoples' opinions. I'm a little neurotic about getting HIV/AIDS, but that's something that can be prevented. My biggest problem is the feeling of loneliness and anxiety I get when I reflect on my chances of ever having a stable relationship.
I got my palms read a year ago on a bus to Oregon by a girl who thought it would be fun. I've since forgotten her name. She looked at my left hand and said "Oh, that's interesting. Your heart line is completely discontinuous. It starts and stops the whole way through. I've never seen that before." I asked her what that meant and she paused for a minute and asked to see my other hand. I gave it to her and she said, "Well, your right palm has a strong heart line. A solid heart line means that you'll find true love and have a happy romantic life." I can imagine what the start-and-stop heart line means.
It's not that I'm totally superstitious and think a palm reading by a stranger on a bus completely determines my future. But it's a recurring fear I've had since then that maybe I'm one of those people who won't ever be in a lasting relationship. They exist. Maybe I'm doomed to abortive relationships that get me high for a few months and then dissolve, for the rest of my life. Or maybe not. She had a positive interpretation of my right hand, and so even if I were being totally New Agey I'd still have some ambiguity about my future. But I feel like the emotional seed has been planted, and I am reminded of this bus ride whenever my romantic hopes fall through.
It's rare for me to connect with somebody on a meaningful level, and it's even rarer to do this with someone where there's shared physical interest as well. I'm sure it's hard even if you're straight, but I think it's harder in a smaller dating pool, and this is the main problem and fear I have with being gay. I just really like emotional intimacy, and it doesn't happen with just anyone. My best and longest-lasting relationship was with a closeted boy who wouldn't kiss me back, but who would go on long walks with me and talk for hours, and smile when I kissed him. My worry sometimes is that such closeness is going to be transient for the rest of my life. Stupid palm-reader.
I think the best thing I can do at this point is just to meet a lot more people, try not to get my hopes too inflated with any of them, enjoy their company and see how it goes. I'm going out to two mixers this week. My friend Emily invited me to Green Drinks DC, which is a monthly dinner-and-drinks night for young environmental activists on the Hill. My neighbor Kathleen invited me to Valentine's Day speed dating with her at the Med School. Longer-term, I'm going to join a choir and go more regularly to yoga here. Maybe I'll make some outside-class friends from those activities, too. What I'm not going to do is roll over and say, "Hey, I'm the only single gay guy in my department, and one of a handful on my campus. None of these people interest me, so I guess that's it for romance for the next five years!"
Friday, February 5, 2010
Other Good Things
1. Last night I got pretty close to full expression of Hala-asana ("Plow Pose") in my yoga class. That's the one where you lie on your back and lift your straight legs up and over, eventually resting your feet upside down on the floor over your head. My feet weren't quite on the floor (or maybe they were barely touching, but I wasn't putting any weight into them), but I got my knees just above my nose. I tend to be really tight in my hips, hamstrings and back, so opening up this much was a really big accomplishment for me. It felt awesome.
2. I met with my adviser this morning and she gave me the green light to start helping on the mercury meta-analysis, as long as I can postpone the heavy work on it until the summer. Also, my adviser thinks she has a possible dissertation project for me in environmental epigenetics. (!)
3. I checked in with my other boss (arsenic genetics) and she says she's fine with my progress as long as I have something ready for her by the end of February. So I'm not off-track after all with that!
4. Beth likes my red pants.
2. I met with my adviser this morning and she gave me the green light to start helping on the mercury meta-analysis, as long as I can postpone the heavy work on it until the summer. Also, my adviser thinks she has a possible dissertation project for me in environmental epigenetics. (!)
3. I checked in with my other boss (arsenic genetics) and she says she's fine with my progress as long as I have something ready for her by the end of February. So I'm not off-track after all with that!
4. Beth likes my red pants.
Delicious Roses part II
I was talking with David's boyfriend Christian, who is one of the better cooks I know. He liked my idea for rose ravioli but suggested it may be better to put the rose petals in the dough than in the filling. It'd make the dough pink, which would be more visually impressive, while having a same-to-bigger impact on the overall flavor. He was sold on my ingredients list and thought the mushroom filling I suggested (minus the roses, which would go in the dough instead) sounded really good. I'm leaning toward a coconut milk reduction (maybe with some more rose petals in that) for the sauce.
I'm thinking of making this as Valentine's Day dinner for my neighbor Kathleen. Her (former) fiance just cheated on her and called the marriage (and the relationship) off. Maybe this will help her get through V-day intact?
I'm thinking of making this as Valentine's Day dinner for my neighbor Kathleen. Her (former) fiance just cheated on her and called the marriage (and the relationship) off. Maybe this will help her get through V-day intact?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Listless
Maybe it's the weather. It's been cold and was stormy enough this morning that they canceled all early-morning classes.
Or maybe it's the jet lag that I never really got over, that turned into hazy insomnia. I wake up at four, five, six in the morning. I'm having microsleeps in lecture against my will by 5. I'm unable to pass out until 11.
Whatever it is, I'm feeling more drained than alive these days. My most elaborate meal I've cooked in the past 48 hours was a microwaved quesadilla. I'm just getting by.
I'm going to go to bed early tonight. Hopefully when I wake I'll be feeling a little more spry.
Or maybe it's the jet lag that I never really got over, that turned into hazy insomnia. I wake up at four, five, six in the morning. I'm having microsleeps in lecture against my will by 5. I'm unable to pass out until 11.
Whatever it is, I'm feeling more drained than alive these days. My most elaborate meal I've cooked in the past 48 hours was a microwaved quesadilla. I'm just getting by.
I'm going to go to bed early tonight. Hopefully when I wake I'll be feeling a little more spry.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Be still
There's a Bible verse from Psalms I've always really liked, that goes "Be still, and know that I am God." The idea of being still, of setting your thoughts and worries and stresses aside and simply existing, with a sense of modesty and perspective about the smallness of your problems, is really powerful for me. The other thing that really hits me about that verse is that calmness is a verb. It's always possible, and in that verse commanded, to be still.
I feel like a lot of my life right now would be improved if I took that idea to heart. A great deal of what matters to me is totally outside my control. Rather than letting my anxieties simmer, I should just relax and feel some peace.
I feel like a lot of my life right now would be improved if I took that idea to heart. A great deal of what matters to me is totally outside my control. Rather than letting my anxieties simmer, I should just relax and feel some peace.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Good and Bad
Good:
-Got an email from a prof asking if I'd like to work with him on a meta-analysis on mercury and some other stuff. The specific topic is super interesting for me (being a little coy on here on the details so we don't get scooped...) and I'm totally stoked and flattered he thought to email me. This could be an awesome experience / might easily turn into my first paper.
-Cell phone broke. Yes, this sucks, especially because the light's blinking and it says I got 3 texts (but from whom, or concerning what, I will never know), but the phone broke *under warranty*. They're going to replace my phone not with the same phone, but with another model I asked if I could get instead. The replacement phone emits a LOT less radiation (according to something I read by Environmental Working Group) so I will be cutting my future exposure by a lot, for free.
Bad:
-Cut my finger peeling carrots. Again. This is the 3rd time with this peeler. I'm starting to think it's me.
-I think the heater isn't working for my apartment, and it's snowing outside. I'm wearing clothes, ski socks, a dive parka, two blankets, and have my overheating laptop sitting on top, but I'm still freezing. I emailed my landlady but who knows when she'll respond.
-Running low on groceries and my car's locked in a garage at school. My friend Kari drove by the garage this morning to drop me off at my car, but it was all locked up, so she drove me home instead. I guess this means I'll be eating canned soup tomorrow. On a plus side, my friend Kathleen lives in the same apartment building as me and says she'll drive me to school on Monday.
-Got an email from a prof asking if I'd like to work with him on a meta-analysis on mercury and some other stuff. The specific topic is super interesting for me (being a little coy on here on the details so we don't get scooped...) and I'm totally stoked and flattered he thought to email me. This could be an awesome experience / might easily turn into my first paper.
-Cell phone broke. Yes, this sucks, especially because the light's blinking and it says I got 3 texts (but from whom, or concerning what, I will never know), but the phone broke *under warranty*. They're going to replace my phone not with the same phone, but with another model I asked if I could get instead. The replacement phone emits a LOT less radiation (according to something I read by Environmental Working Group) so I will be cutting my future exposure by a lot, for free.
Bad:
-Cut my finger peeling carrots. Again. This is the 3rd time with this peeler. I'm starting to think it's me.
-I think the heater isn't working for my apartment, and it's snowing outside. I'm wearing clothes, ski socks, a dive parka, two blankets, and have my overheating laptop sitting on top, but I'm still freezing. I emailed my landlady but who knows when she'll respond.
-Running low on groceries and my car's locked in a garage at school. My friend Kari drove by the garage this morning to drop me off at my car, but it was all locked up, so she drove me home instead. I guess this means I'll be eating canned soup tomorrow. On a plus side, my friend Kathleen lives in the same apartment building as me and says she'll drive me to school on Monday.
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