Man, things are moving fast this summer.
I've mostly been stuck in research mode, but it's been really productive. I am almost done with the tables for my first paper, which is going to be on arsenic and diabetes in Native Americans. Once that's done, I'll hopefully wrap up projects in mercury, perfume (musk fragrances), genetics, and stats. It's going to be hella busy from now until forever. But then after forever, if I'm lucky I'll be able to move back to California and keep doing this kind of work there. Yay wishful thinking!
On a less boring note, the cute boy from the wine shop gave me his number again (I'd lost it) and told me he has Monday off work. I will need to work a lot of Monday just to catch up on the arsenic stuff (I'm meeting with that boss on Tuesday), but hopefully I will be able to see him? I think I said this, but he's cute. Like, way cute.
And yeah. Life goes on!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
RIP Steve Schneider
Today I learned that Professor Steve Schneider has passed away of a heart attack at age 65.
This is very sad news.
I can't say that I knew Steve personally. I had seen him at a few events and heard him talk, but I was not a climate student. I think that his passing is a blow to the environmental movement and to the direction of environmental science, and part of me feels a pang of "What are we going to do now?"
But what feels more important than his research and advocacy, is that he had been a friend and mentor to many of my friends, and was a close friend and colleague of many of the people I most respected as advisers. He touched the lives of many people I care about, and I am hoping that they are all okay.
His life and trials in the public policy arena have made a big impression on me, even though I only heard about them secondhand. I had heard that he had been misquoted once by a reporter, and as a result had been banned from testifying before Congress about climate science for over twenty years. I don't want to reduce the man's life and achievements to just a cautionary tale, but the fact that this could happen to an honest scientist makes me angry and sad, and paranoid. My friends and I were taught to record all interviews with the press touching on our research to avoid a repeat of this situation.
I recognize the huge positive impact that his man had on my friends, on science, and the world. RIP.
This is very sad news.
I can't say that I knew Steve personally. I had seen him at a few events and heard him talk, but I was not a climate student. I think that his passing is a blow to the environmental movement and to the direction of environmental science, and part of me feels a pang of "What are we going to do now?"
But what feels more important than his research and advocacy, is that he had been a friend and mentor to many of my friends, and was a close friend and colleague of many of the people I most respected as advisers. He touched the lives of many people I care about, and I am hoping that they are all okay.
His life and trials in the public policy arena have made a big impression on me, even though I only heard about them secondhand. I had heard that he had been misquoted once by a reporter, and as a result had been banned from testifying before Congress about climate science for over twenty years. I don't want to reduce the man's life and achievements to just a cautionary tale, but the fact that this could happen to an honest scientist makes me angry and sad, and paranoid. My friends and I were taught to record all interviews with the press touching on our research to avoid a repeat of this situation.
I recognize the huge positive impact that his man had on my friends, on science, and the world. RIP.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Adventuras - Continued
DC was absolutely amazing.
Not only did I really enjoy all the touristy bits of the trip (US Botanic Garden, tours of the Capitol, the Zoo, the Smithsonian Natural History Museum, the Smithsonian Museum of the American Indian, Senate/Congressional office visits, etc.), I also had some of the most productive flirting of my life. I don't mean that in the "I hooked up with so many people" way, but I left almost every cute stranger conversation grinning like an idiot. And then in conversations with friends, I found out that while "official" apartments in DC are incredibly expensive, it is totally easy to find something in the 600-800 dollar range using Craigslist etc. (and that's what all my friends were paying). So I think I can afford to move out there and enjoy life a bit more than I have been in Baltimore. Score!
Thanks again to Emily for making that leg of the trip possible. Without her futon I wouldn't have tried.
Then the trip continued with a Lindy Hop Exchange in Atlanta, Georgia. I was a little wary of entering the Deep South but on the other hand I really, really wanted to dance. Fortunately, I wasn't the victim of a hate crime, nor did I starve. I found a cute vegetarian restaurant called Cafe Sunflower, and while it was a little pricey, the food was delicious. The waiter recognized me on the second+ visits and kept flirting with me, but I think he missed the memo that I'm not coming back. I had a wonderful time but my leg was still killing me from the run earlier in the week, so I had to curtail my swing dancing. Too bad, because some of the events (like lindy hop on skates at an ice rink) sounded ridiculously awesome. Looking back, I'm glad that I didn't wind up at Emory for grad school. It seems very hard still to be gay in the South. I had trouble finding guys comfortable with even being asked to dance with me, and swing is a pretty tame activity; and also, the waiter was surprisingly persistent. I imagine the dating pool would be even worse there than in Baltimore.
Then on the way home I passed through Chapel Hill and Carborro, North Carolina. Totally awesome place. I didn't realize how much of an exception to the rest of the region Carborro is; I might have been really happy at UNC. But I think that it would have gotten old after many years, and while I appreciate the hippy vibe, I don't have a sense of how many gay people there are. I had a very flirty conversation with the bartender at lunch and I think he might have been less enthusiastic if the regional pickings hadn't been so slim. But it was fun to flirt, and at the end I gave him the bead bracelet I'd gotten at the swing dance registration. Maybe he'll remember me from that.
And...yeah. Finally back in Baltimore with a pile of laundry to do and mail to sort through, but I couldn't have asked for a more distinctive break between quarters. I feel reinvigorated and ready to start school again.
(sorry no pictures, I forgot to take my camera with me.)
Not only did I really enjoy all the touristy bits of the trip (US Botanic Garden, tours of the Capitol, the Zoo, the Smithsonian Natural History Museum, the Smithsonian Museum of the American Indian, Senate/Congressional office visits, etc.), I also had some of the most productive flirting of my life. I don't mean that in the "I hooked up with so many people" way, but I left almost every cute stranger conversation grinning like an idiot. And then in conversations with friends, I found out that while "official" apartments in DC are incredibly expensive, it is totally easy to find something in the 600-800 dollar range using Craigslist etc. (and that's what all my friends were paying). So I think I can afford to move out there and enjoy life a bit more than I have been in Baltimore. Score!
Thanks again to Emily for making that leg of the trip possible. Without her futon I wouldn't have tried.
Then the trip continued with a Lindy Hop Exchange in Atlanta, Georgia. I was a little wary of entering the Deep South but on the other hand I really, really wanted to dance. Fortunately, I wasn't the victim of a hate crime, nor did I starve. I found a cute vegetarian restaurant called Cafe Sunflower, and while it was a little pricey, the food was delicious. The waiter recognized me on the second+ visits and kept flirting with me, but I think he missed the memo that I'm not coming back. I had a wonderful time but my leg was still killing me from the run earlier in the week, so I had to curtail my swing dancing. Too bad, because some of the events (like lindy hop on skates at an ice rink) sounded ridiculously awesome. Looking back, I'm glad that I didn't wind up at Emory for grad school. It seems very hard still to be gay in the South. I had trouble finding guys comfortable with even being asked to dance with me, and swing is a pretty tame activity; and also, the waiter was surprisingly persistent. I imagine the dating pool would be even worse there than in Baltimore.
Then on the way home I passed through Chapel Hill and Carborro, North Carolina. Totally awesome place. I didn't realize how much of an exception to the rest of the region Carborro is; I might have been really happy at UNC. But I think that it would have gotten old after many years, and while I appreciate the hippy vibe, I don't have a sense of how many gay people there are. I had a very flirty conversation with the bartender at lunch and I think he might have been less enthusiastic if the regional pickings hadn't been so slim. But it was fun to flirt, and at the end I gave him the bead bracelet I'd gotten at the swing dance registration. Maybe he'll remember me from that.
And...yeah. Finally back in Baltimore with a pile of laundry to do and mail to sort through, but I couldn't have asked for a more distinctive break between quarters. I feel reinvigorated and ready to start school again.
(sorry no pictures, I forgot to take my camera with me.)
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Adventuras
Spring Break is here, and off to a terrific start!
I went out last night to celebrate the end of the quarter, and also my birthday, with a bunch of the Epi masters students. We went dinner/dessert/bar hopping in Mount Vernon (the city's gay/"cultural" district) and it was a ton of fun. I didn't pay for any of it and everything was delicious!
Then today I went running for the first time in forever, with Poorav and his friend Su. I ended up going 12 miles (walking most of it) and am now super sore. BUT I feel so much better now! It's a good sore.
Tomorrow through Wednesday I'm staying with my friend Emily in DC. The plan is sight-seeing during the day and then green film festival at night. Possibly some swing dancing, too.
Then Thursday-Sunday I'll be in Georgia for the Atlanta Lindy Exchange. I signed up at the last minute for a several-day swing marathon. Woot! I signed up as a lead but hopefully they'll let me flip-flop to being a follow sometimes.
Okay, it's late now, but I'm STOKED for this break! Maybe next time I'll post pictures from the trips...
I went out last night to celebrate the end of the quarter, and also my birthday, with a bunch of the Epi masters students. We went dinner/dessert/bar hopping in Mount Vernon (the city's gay/"cultural" district) and it was a ton of fun. I didn't pay for any of it and everything was delicious!
Then today I went running for the first time in forever, with Poorav and his friend Su. I ended up going 12 miles (walking most of it) and am now super sore. BUT I feel so much better now! It's a good sore.
Tomorrow through Wednesday I'm staying with my friend Emily in DC. The plan is sight-seeing during the day and then green film festival at night. Possibly some swing dancing, too.
Then Thursday-Sunday I'll be in Georgia for the Atlanta Lindy Exchange. I signed up at the last minute for a several-day swing marathon. Woot! I signed up as a lead but hopefully they'll let me flip-flop to being a follow sometimes.
Okay, it's late now, but I'm STOKED for this break! Maybe next time I'll post pictures from the trips...
Friday, February 19, 2010
Sweet Faculty Candidate
My favorite faculty candidate so far (Brandon) was back on campus today for a second interview. I really hope he gets the job!
Among other things, he's interested in arsenic metabolism genetics, and has connections to a *huge* cohort study in Bangladesh that has enough people for a well-powered GWAS.
If he came to Hopkins, I could do an arsenic GWAS plus the candidate gene work I'm doing already with Ana, and that's enough papers on the same topic for a dissertation! Hello thesis.
ALSO, because he'd be a super junior faculty, I could do "co-advising" and keep my current adviser, who is a big part of why I wanted to come to this school. And arsenic has a lot of epigenetic effects, so I could keep the plan of working on epigenetics with her while still keeping under the arsenic umbrella and working towards a totally coherent (and super interesting!) research program.
Among other things, he's interested in arsenic metabolism genetics, and has connections to a *huge* cohort study in Bangladesh that has enough people for a well-powered GWAS.
If he came to Hopkins, I could do an arsenic GWAS plus the candidate gene work I'm doing already with Ana, and that's enough papers on the same topic for a dissertation! Hello thesis.
ALSO, because he'd be a super junior faculty, I could do "co-advising" and keep my current adviser, who is a big part of why I wanted to come to this school. And arsenic has a lot of epigenetic effects, so I could keep the plan of working on epigenetics with her while still keeping under the arsenic umbrella and working towards a totally coherent (and super interesting!) research program.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
"Change rooms in your mind for a day."
It's a line from a poem by Hafiz. I came across it today as I enjoyed yet another snow day in my apartment and spent the afternoon on the internet.
I feel like it's critically important to take a day every once in a while to do something you don't usually do. It doesn't have to be a huge adventure, though those are fun. Sometimes it's enough to expose yourself to a different way of thinking. Besides a short walk today I didn't leave my apartment, but I feel like I now have a totally different perspective than I had this morning.
I tend to be selectively risk-averse. In areas where I think if I think about it hard enough, I'll come to a right answer (and cheat the risk), I tend to favor risks and bold behavior. For example, the 'out there' ideas I have for arsenic metabolism genes are not nearly as exciting for my PI (who wants to start with more obvious and likely-to-yield-a-positive-result candidate genes) as they are for me.
But in areas where I don't feel like I can think away the risk, I am super risk-averse. For example: HIV. I was so concerned about contracting HIV that I worried I might get it from touching door handles with a cut fingertip if someone with HIV and a similar cut had touched the surface recently before me. You can imagine how this affects my attitudes toward sex.
But I realized today that the risk-to-benefit ratio isn't that skewed in real life. This doesn't mean I'm about to start hooking up with random strangers, but I feel like I changed my perspective on how I evaluate risks. I think of (low probability) undesired outcomes as possibilities now, instead of as "almost certainties". My stress level has gone way down.
It's funny that my emotional response to risk is so strong when I plan to spend my career estimating risk, and am comfortable describing events like cancer or heart attacks in detached and academic terms. I think it's that I don't have good numbers in mind when I think about the things that I feel are more likely to happen to me personally.
I feel like it's critically important to take a day every once in a while to do something you don't usually do. It doesn't have to be a huge adventure, though those are fun. Sometimes it's enough to expose yourself to a different way of thinking. Besides a short walk today I didn't leave my apartment, but I feel like I now have a totally different perspective than I had this morning.
I tend to be selectively risk-averse. In areas where I think if I think about it hard enough, I'll come to a right answer (and cheat the risk), I tend to favor risks and bold behavior. For example, the 'out there' ideas I have for arsenic metabolism genes are not nearly as exciting for my PI (who wants to start with more obvious and likely-to-yield-a-positive-result candidate genes) as they are for me.
But in areas where I don't feel like I can think away the risk, I am super risk-averse. For example: HIV. I was so concerned about contracting HIV that I worried I might get it from touching door handles with a cut fingertip if someone with HIV and a similar cut had touched the surface recently before me. You can imagine how this affects my attitudes toward sex.
But I realized today that the risk-to-benefit ratio isn't that skewed in real life. This doesn't mean I'm about to start hooking up with random strangers, but I feel like I changed my perspective on how I evaluate risks. I think of (low probability) undesired outcomes as possibilities now, instead of as "almost certainties". My stress level has gone way down.
It's funny that my emotional response to risk is so strong when I plan to spend my career estimating risk, and am comfortable describing events like cancer or heart attacks in detached and academic terms. I think it's that I don't have good numbers in mind when I think about the things that I feel are more likely to happen to me personally.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Taking the Plunge
I'm now registered for the 2010 International Lindy Hop Championships in Washington DC (Jack and Jill Open).
This is my first ever swing dance competition, and I'm going to be paired off with a stranger. So that this experience doesn't suck for them, I'm going to practice practice practice practice practice from now to August. Like, all the time.
I'm not anticipating winning any prizes (have you SEEN those YouTube clips?) but I am so excited to be going, and participating, and getting to see the best dancers do the most insane things, live. And I get a T shirt, too!
This is my first ever swing dance competition, and I'm going to be paired off with a stranger. So that this experience doesn't suck for them, I'm going to practice practice practice practice practice from now to August. Like, all the time.
I'm not anticipating winning any prizes (have you SEEN those YouTube clips?) but I am so excited to be going, and participating, and getting to see the best dancers do the most insane things, live. And I get a T shirt, too!
God Bless YouTube
I think one of my all-time favorite things are YouTube swing dance videos. The music is so bright, and the people are so good. It just gives me a happy rush. Plus, I pick out new steps to try out the next time I go dancing.
This link is to a dance set to "Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey". I first heard this song when I was stage crew at a community theater production of Tintypes, a musical that's basically Pop Hits of the 1860s-1920s. The song was published in 1902. The singer in this version sounds a lot like Ella Fitzgerald, but I can't quite tell if it's her. I dare you to watch it without smiling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAatB6tF1Vg&feature=player_embedded
This link is to a dance set to "Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey". I first heard this song when I was stage crew at a community theater production of Tintypes, a musical that's basically Pop Hits of the 1860s-1920s. The song was published in 1902. The singer in this version sounds a lot like Ella Fitzgerald, but I can't quite tell if it's her. I dare you to watch it without smiling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAatB6tF1Vg&feature=player_embedded
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Snow Day Reflections
I'm snowed in today, so I've decided to take a moment for deeper reflection than "such and such happened today". The topic du jour is Relationships. As a forewarning, this post is a bit of a downer.
I admit that I still have some trouble with the fact that I'm gay. It's not that I think I'm going to hell, or that I'm particularly concerned about peoples' opinions. I'm a little neurotic about getting HIV/AIDS, but that's something that can be prevented. My biggest problem is the feeling of loneliness and anxiety I get when I reflect on my chances of ever having a stable relationship.
I got my palms read a year ago on a bus to Oregon by a girl who thought it would be fun. I've since forgotten her name. She looked at my left hand and said "Oh, that's interesting. Your heart line is completely discontinuous. It starts and stops the whole way through. I've never seen that before." I asked her what that meant and she paused for a minute and asked to see my other hand. I gave it to her and she said, "Well, your right palm has a strong heart line. A solid heart line means that you'll find true love and have a happy romantic life." I can imagine what the start-and-stop heart line means.
It's not that I'm totally superstitious and think a palm reading by a stranger on a bus completely determines my future. But it's a recurring fear I've had since then that maybe I'm one of those people who won't ever be in a lasting relationship. They exist. Maybe I'm doomed to abortive relationships that get me high for a few months and then dissolve, for the rest of my life. Or maybe not. She had a positive interpretation of my right hand, and so even if I were being totally New Agey I'd still have some ambiguity about my future. But I feel like the emotional seed has been planted, and I am reminded of this bus ride whenever my romantic hopes fall through.
It's rare for me to connect with somebody on a meaningful level, and it's even rarer to do this with someone where there's shared physical interest as well. I'm sure it's hard even if you're straight, but I think it's harder in a smaller dating pool, and this is the main problem and fear I have with being gay. I just really like emotional intimacy, and it doesn't happen with just anyone. My best and longest-lasting relationship was with a closeted boy who wouldn't kiss me back, but who would go on long walks with me and talk for hours, and smile when I kissed him. My worry sometimes is that such closeness is going to be transient for the rest of my life. Stupid palm-reader.
I think the best thing I can do at this point is just to meet a lot more people, try not to get my hopes too inflated with any of them, enjoy their company and see how it goes. I'm going out to two mixers this week. My friend Emily invited me to Green Drinks DC, which is a monthly dinner-and-drinks night for young environmental activists on the Hill. My neighbor Kathleen invited me to Valentine's Day speed dating with her at the Med School. Longer-term, I'm going to join a choir and go more regularly to yoga here. Maybe I'll make some outside-class friends from those activities, too. What I'm not going to do is roll over and say, "Hey, I'm the only single gay guy in my department, and one of a handful on my campus. None of these people interest me, so I guess that's it for romance for the next five years!"
I admit that I still have some trouble with the fact that I'm gay. It's not that I think I'm going to hell, or that I'm particularly concerned about peoples' opinions. I'm a little neurotic about getting HIV/AIDS, but that's something that can be prevented. My biggest problem is the feeling of loneliness and anxiety I get when I reflect on my chances of ever having a stable relationship.
I got my palms read a year ago on a bus to Oregon by a girl who thought it would be fun. I've since forgotten her name. She looked at my left hand and said "Oh, that's interesting. Your heart line is completely discontinuous. It starts and stops the whole way through. I've never seen that before." I asked her what that meant and she paused for a minute and asked to see my other hand. I gave it to her and she said, "Well, your right palm has a strong heart line. A solid heart line means that you'll find true love and have a happy romantic life." I can imagine what the start-and-stop heart line means.
It's not that I'm totally superstitious and think a palm reading by a stranger on a bus completely determines my future. But it's a recurring fear I've had since then that maybe I'm one of those people who won't ever be in a lasting relationship. They exist. Maybe I'm doomed to abortive relationships that get me high for a few months and then dissolve, for the rest of my life. Or maybe not. She had a positive interpretation of my right hand, and so even if I were being totally New Agey I'd still have some ambiguity about my future. But I feel like the emotional seed has been planted, and I am reminded of this bus ride whenever my romantic hopes fall through.
It's rare for me to connect with somebody on a meaningful level, and it's even rarer to do this with someone where there's shared physical interest as well. I'm sure it's hard even if you're straight, but I think it's harder in a smaller dating pool, and this is the main problem and fear I have with being gay. I just really like emotional intimacy, and it doesn't happen with just anyone. My best and longest-lasting relationship was with a closeted boy who wouldn't kiss me back, but who would go on long walks with me and talk for hours, and smile when I kissed him. My worry sometimes is that such closeness is going to be transient for the rest of my life. Stupid palm-reader.
I think the best thing I can do at this point is just to meet a lot more people, try not to get my hopes too inflated with any of them, enjoy their company and see how it goes. I'm going out to two mixers this week. My friend Emily invited me to Green Drinks DC, which is a monthly dinner-and-drinks night for young environmental activists on the Hill. My neighbor Kathleen invited me to Valentine's Day speed dating with her at the Med School. Longer-term, I'm going to join a choir and go more regularly to yoga here. Maybe I'll make some outside-class friends from those activities, too. What I'm not going to do is roll over and say, "Hey, I'm the only single gay guy in my department, and one of a handful on my campus. None of these people interest me, so I guess that's it for romance for the next five years!"
Friday, February 5, 2010
Other Good Things
1. Last night I got pretty close to full expression of Hala-asana ("Plow Pose") in my yoga class. That's the one where you lie on your back and lift your straight legs up and over, eventually resting your feet upside down on the floor over your head. My feet weren't quite on the floor (or maybe they were barely touching, but I wasn't putting any weight into them), but I got my knees just above my nose. I tend to be really tight in my hips, hamstrings and back, so opening up this much was a really big accomplishment for me. It felt awesome.
2. I met with my adviser this morning and she gave me the green light to start helping on the mercury meta-analysis, as long as I can postpone the heavy work on it until the summer. Also, my adviser thinks she has a possible dissertation project for me in environmental epigenetics. (!)
3. I checked in with my other boss (arsenic genetics) and she says she's fine with my progress as long as I have something ready for her by the end of February. So I'm not off-track after all with that!
4. Beth likes my red pants.
2. I met with my adviser this morning and she gave me the green light to start helping on the mercury meta-analysis, as long as I can postpone the heavy work on it until the summer. Also, my adviser thinks she has a possible dissertation project for me in environmental epigenetics. (!)
3. I checked in with my other boss (arsenic genetics) and she says she's fine with my progress as long as I have something ready for her by the end of February. So I'm not off-track after all with that!
4. Beth likes my red pants.
Delicious Roses part II
I was talking with David's boyfriend Christian, who is one of the better cooks I know. He liked my idea for rose ravioli but suggested it may be better to put the rose petals in the dough than in the filling. It'd make the dough pink, which would be more visually impressive, while having a same-to-bigger impact on the overall flavor. He was sold on my ingredients list and thought the mushroom filling I suggested (minus the roses, which would go in the dough instead) sounded really good. I'm leaning toward a coconut milk reduction (maybe with some more rose petals in that) for the sauce.
I'm thinking of making this as Valentine's Day dinner for my neighbor Kathleen. Her (former) fiance just cheated on her and called the marriage (and the relationship) off. Maybe this will help her get through V-day intact?
I'm thinking of making this as Valentine's Day dinner for my neighbor Kathleen. Her (former) fiance just cheated on her and called the marriage (and the relationship) off. Maybe this will help her get through V-day intact?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Listless
Maybe it's the weather. It's been cold and was stormy enough this morning that they canceled all early-morning classes.
Or maybe it's the jet lag that I never really got over, that turned into hazy insomnia. I wake up at four, five, six in the morning. I'm having microsleeps in lecture against my will by 5. I'm unable to pass out until 11.
Whatever it is, I'm feeling more drained than alive these days. My most elaborate meal I've cooked in the past 48 hours was a microwaved quesadilla. I'm just getting by.
I'm going to go to bed early tonight. Hopefully when I wake I'll be feeling a little more spry.
Or maybe it's the jet lag that I never really got over, that turned into hazy insomnia. I wake up at four, five, six in the morning. I'm having microsleeps in lecture against my will by 5. I'm unable to pass out until 11.
Whatever it is, I'm feeling more drained than alive these days. My most elaborate meal I've cooked in the past 48 hours was a microwaved quesadilla. I'm just getting by.
I'm going to go to bed early tonight. Hopefully when I wake I'll be feeling a little more spry.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Be still
There's a Bible verse from Psalms I've always really liked, that goes "Be still, and know that I am God." The idea of being still, of setting your thoughts and worries and stresses aside and simply existing, with a sense of modesty and perspective about the smallness of your problems, is really powerful for me. The other thing that really hits me about that verse is that calmness is a verb. It's always possible, and in that verse commanded, to be still.
I feel like a lot of my life right now would be improved if I took that idea to heart. A great deal of what matters to me is totally outside my control. Rather than letting my anxieties simmer, I should just relax and feel some peace.
I feel like a lot of my life right now would be improved if I took that idea to heart. A great deal of what matters to me is totally outside my control. Rather than letting my anxieties simmer, I should just relax and feel some peace.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Good and Bad
Good:
-Got an email from a prof asking if I'd like to work with him on a meta-analysis on mercury and some other stuff. The specific topic is super interesting for me (being a little coy on here on the details so we don't get scooped...) and I'm totally stoked and flattered he thought to email me. This could be an awesome experience / might easily turn into my first paper.
-Cell phone broke. Yes, this sucks, especially because the light's blinking and it says I got 3 texts (but from whom, or concerning what, I will never know), but the phone broke *under warranty*. They're going to replace my phone not with the same phone, but with another model I asked if I could get instead. The replacement phone emits a LOT less radiation (according to something I read by Environmental Working Group) so I will be cutting my future exposure by a lot, for free.
Bad:
-Cut my finger peeling carrots. Again. This is the 3rd time with this peeler. I'm starting to think it's me.
-I think the heater isn't working for my apartment, and it's snowing outside. I'm wearing clothes, ski socks, a dive parka, two blankets, and have my overheating laptop sitting on top, but I'm still freezing. I emailed my landlady but who knows when she'll respond.
-Running low on groceries and my car's locked in a garage at school. My friend Kari drove by the garage this morning to drop me off at my car, but it was all locked up, so she drove me home instead. I guess this means I'll be eating canned soup tomorrow. On a plus side, my friend Kathleen lives in the same apartment building as me and says she'll drive me to school on Monday.
-Got an email from a prof asking if I'd like to work with him on a meta-analysis on mercury and some other stuff. The specific topic is super interesting for me (being a little coy on here on the details so we don't get scooped...) and I'm totally stoked and flattered he thought to email me. This could be an awesome experience / might easily turn into my first paper.
-Cell phone broke. Yes, this sucks, especially because the light's blinking and it says I got 3 texts (but from whom, or concerning what, I will never know), but the phone broke *under warranty*. They're going to replace my phone not with the same phone, but with another model I asked if I could get instead. The replacement phone emits a LOT less radiation (according to something I read by Environmental Working Group) so I will be cutting my future exposure by a lot, for free.
Bad:
-Cut my finger peeling carrots. Again. This is the 3rd time with this peeler. I'm starting to think it's me.
-I think the heater isn't working for my apartment, and it's snowing outside. I'm wearing clothes, ski socks, a dive parka, two blankets, and have my overheating laptop sitting on top, but I'm still freezing. I emailed my landlady but who knows when she'll respond.
-Running low on groceries and my car's locked in a garage at school. My friend Kari drove by the garage this morning to drop me off at my car, but it was all locked up, so she drove me home instead. I guess this means I'll be eating canned soup tomorrow. On a plus side, my friend Kathleen lives in the same apartment building as me and says she'll drive me to school on Monday.
Friends of Mine
I had a super fun Friday and it almost convinced me I might start liking Baltimore. Whaaa?
I clocked out a little before 4 and took a cab downtown to see A Single Man with some of my gay friends, spearheaded by my friend John. John is an environmental chemist I met by Facebook stalking after reading his bio on an EPA website last year (his project caught my eye and so I sent him a "wow, your stuff sounds amazing" fb message, and it took off from there). He studies environmental chemistry, specifically how to destroy agricultural pollution once it's gotten into the environment. We have kind of an older/younger sibling dynamic and it's nice to have a "gay older brother" type friend who can give me tips on surviving here, and who introduces me to gay guys who he thinks are quality (I am generally not as enthusiastic about them as he is, but they're definitely a step up from the randos you'd find in the local bars). It's also nice to have a circle of friends from outside school to hang out with. My early social life in Baltimore consisted almost entirely of board game nights at John's house.
The "Single Man" outing was organized by John and included his boyfriend, his roommate, and a guy they're clearly trying to set me up with. The guy just graduated from Hopkins undergrad focusing on Public Health, and is now doing nonprofit/think tank work on Health Policy Economics. This is the second thing John's invited both of us to this week; the first was a double-date ish dinner with John and Mark. I don't think there's any interest on either side (there *definitely* is no interest from me in him), but it's sort of sweet of John to try to play matchmaker. Sort of sweet and sort of annoying. Oh well.
After the movies with John et al., I went out to sushi with some of my Epidemiology department friends. The sushi bar was very hip and played dance hall music (techno, R&B) while serving pretty awesome sushi and pretty cheap liquor. I had a cosmo, two kirins, sake, and I think that's all but I kind of don't remember. I was pretty hammered. Then we went out and bar-hopped some more, and at one point I added "strawberry margarita" to the list. I vaguely remember dancing with strangers (girls) in the second bar, who had been sitting at the bar until I was like "Hey come dance with me!" This bar was not a dancing venue; we were basically the only ones dancing, and I fell a couple times (and broke my phone, unfortunately). Then we all went back to Kari's house and watched extreme winter sports (snowmobile flip things, snowboarding, skiing) on TV until people left. I was way too drunk to go anywhere so I crashed here for the night. I'm still waiting for Kari to wake up, but surprisingly I don't have a hangover. I think it was the Shirley Temple I had in the last bar?
So...yeah. Kind of a ridiculously fun night, and in Baltimore of all places. Unfortunately, it was with friends who will all be gone soon. John's finishing his PhD this year, and the kids I went out for sushi/drinks with are all Masters students who will finish next year.
My friends who are going to be here longer-term with me fall into two groups: government-employed friends in DC, and friends in PhD programs at Hopkins. I don't know what I'm going to do after next year when my friends disperse. I think DC would make me a lot happier than Baltimore, but the commute is almost an hour each way (maybe less if I take a train + bus) and I don't know how long my friends in DC who aren't in government jobs plan to stay in their current careers. It would suck to move out to DC and have all my best friends (who tend to have shorter-term/internship jobs in nonprofits) leave shortly afterward. Maybe I should just suck it up and move to DC while my good friends are still there and can introduce me to people.
I clocked out a little before 4 and took a cab downtown to see A Single Man with some of my gay friends, spearheaded by my friend John. John is an environmental chemist I met by Facebook stalking after reading his bio on an EPA website last year (his project caught my eye and so I sent him a "wow, your stuff sounds amazing" fb message, and it took off from there). He studies environmental chemistry, specifically how to destroy agricultural pollution once it's gotten into the environment. We have kind of an older/younger sibling dynamic and it's nice to have a "gay older brother" type friend who can give me tips on surviving here, and who introduces me to gay guys who he thinks are quality (I am generally not as enthusiastic about them as he is, but they're definitely a step up from the randos you'd find in the local bars). It's also nice to have a circle of friends from outside school to hang out with. My early social life in Baltimore consisted almost entirely of board game nights at John's house.
The "Single Man" outing was organized by John and included his boyfriend, his roommate, and a guy they're clearly trying to set me up with. The guy just graduated from Hopkins undergrad focusing on Public Health, and is now doing nonprofit/think tank work on Health Policy Economics. This is the second thing John's invited both of us to this week; the first was a double-date ish dinner with John and Mark. I don't think there's any interest on either side (there *definitely* is no interest from me in him), but it's sort of sweet of John to try to play matchmaker. Sort of sweet and sort of annoying. Oh well.
After the movies with John et al., I went out to sushi with some of my Epidemiology department friends. The sushi bar was very hip and played dance hall music (techno, R&B) while serving pretty awesome sushi and pretty cheap liquor. I had a cosmo, two kirins, sake, and I think that's all but I kind of don't remember. I was pretty hammered. Then we went out and bar-hopped some more, and at one point I added "strawberry margarita" to the list. I vaguely remember dancing with strangers (girls) in the second bar, who had been sitting at the bar until I was like "Hey come dance with me!" This bar was not a dancing venue; we were basically the only ones dancing, and I fell a couple times (and broke my phone, unfortunately). Then we all went back to Kari's house and watched extreme winter sports (snowmobile flip things, snowboarding, skiing) on TV until people left. I was way too drunk to go anywhere so I crashed here for the night. I'm still waiting for Kari to wake up, but surprisingly I don't have a hangover. I think it was the Shirley Temple I had in the last bar?
So...yeah. Kind of a ridiculously fun night, and in Baltimore of all places. Unfortunately, it was with friends who will all be gone soon. John's finishing his PhD this year, and the kids I went out for sushi/drinks with are all Masters students who will finish next year.
My friends who are going to be here longer-term with me fall into two groups: government-employed friends in DC, and friends in PhD programs at Hopkins. I don't know what I'm going to do after next year when my friends disperse. I think DC would make me a lot happier than Baltimore, but the commute is almost an hour each way (maybe less if I take a train + bus) and I don't know how long my friends in DC who aren't in government jobs plan to stay in their current careers. It would suck to move out to DC and have all my best friends (who tend to have shorter-term/internship jobs in nonprofits) leave shortly afterward. Maybe I should just suck it up and move to DC while my good friends are still there and can introduce me to people.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Not Sure What To Title This So I'll Go With A "!"
Wow, this quarter got hard fast. Profs are dropping terms like "polytomous logistic regression" and "occult coronary and carotid stenosis" like I've ever heard them before or should guess what they mean. To say that I'm feeling a little bit lost and overwhelmed right now would be a pretty big understatement.
Still, I'm grateful for the challenge. Though I am going to have to work unusually hard this quarter just to get by, I feel like at the end of it I'll be much, much closer to being a legit epidemiologist, and that's what I came here for, right?
In other news, I found out I am going to be renewed on my training grant next year unless I flunk out. This means I have another year before I'm responsible for securing my own external funding. That's really good news, because not only does it mean I can eat next year, but it means I only have to find funding for 3 years. The Environmental Protection Agency's "Science to Achieve Results" grant provides financial support for 3 years. So if I can land it for the years after next, that will mean I'm totally set for the (average) 5 years of my program. Awesome? Awesome.
Still, I'm grateful for the challenge. Though I am going to have to work unusually hard this quarter just to get by, I feel like at the end of it I'll be much, much closer to being a legit epidemiologist, and that's what I came here for, right?
In other news, I found out I am going to be renewed on my training grant next year unless I flunk out. This means I have another year before I'm responsible for securing my own external funding. That's really good news, because not only does it mean I can eat next year, but it means I only have to find funding for 3 years. The Environmental Protection Agency's "Science to Achieve Results" grant provides financial support for 3 years. So if I can land it for the years after next, that will mean I'm totally set for the (average) 5 years of my program. Awesome? Awesome.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Some Disappointment, Some Relief
A couple things ended disappointingly today. The Washington Post wrote me back saying that they were not going to publish my op ed. I checked in with my friend Philip and it turns out he's going to be too busy during his trip to DC to hang out at all. My class schedule is relentless and my back is killing me from the almost-constant sitting over the past two days (even with hot yoga yesterday afternoon, my back still hurts).
But there are some major silver linings today, too. Emily says that my ideas went over really well at Al Gore's nonprofit (and some other affiliated environmental groups), and that now it seems like the Alliance for Climate Protection is going to act on a lot of my suggestions. Rick Warren's secretary called me back and encouraged me to send an email, so maybe I'll have a chance to make an impact on the Religious Right after all. I *loved* my Molecular Epidemiology class today and it reminded me why I am putting up with Baltimore. I got on a couple professors' calendars to get advice and give updates about my research projects. And in what was probably the biggest boost to how I felt today, I found out that something that had been worrying me a lot the past few days was pretty much just in my head.
So yeah. Kind of all over today. Averages out to pretty calm.
But there are some major silver linings today, too. Emily says that my ideas went over really well at Al Gore's nonprofit (and some other affiliated environmental groups), and that now it seems like the Alliance for Climate Protection is going to act on a lot of my suggestions. Rick Warren's secretary called me back and encouraged me to send an email, so maybe I'll have a chance to make an impact on the Religious Right after all. I *loved* my Molecular Epidemiology class today and it reminded me why I am putting up with Baltimore. I got on a couple professors' calendars to get advice and give updates about my research projects. And in what was probably the biggest boost to how I felt today, I found out that something that had been worrying me a lot the past few days was pretty much just in my head.
So yeah. Kind of all over today. Averages out to pretty calm.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Roses are delicious.
I had the most delicious cupcake of my life the other day. Well, the cupcake was alright, but the frosting was the most delicious frosting of my life. It was a cardamom-rose vegan cupcake, and it was delicious for fifteen minutes after I had finished it.
This got me thinking: rose is amazing.
So I'm going to try experimenting with rose more in my cooking.
I think my next culinary project will be (vegan) rose ravioli. I'm thinking a filling of mushrooms, cinnamon, a tiny bit of dried ginger, a tiny bit of rosemary, lots of lemon, a tiny bit of spinach, a little vanilla for richness, and tons of rose petals. I'm not sure what sauce yet to try. Maybe just something simple like olive oil and lemon juice, with pine nuts on top.
Other dishes where rose could be delicious: sushi rolls, muffins, crepes, as a side sauteed with mushrooms (okay that's just cheating from the ravioli idea), homemade apple sauce, chutney, and yogurt (if I start having farmers' market dairy again).
This got me thinking: rose is amazing.
So I'm going to try experimenting with rose more in my cooking.
I think my next culinary project will be (vegan) rose ravioli. I'm thinking a filling of mushrooms, cinnamon, a tiny bit of dried ginger, a tiny bit of rosemary, lots of lemon, a tiny bit of spinach, a little vanilla for richness, and tons of rose petals. I'm not sure what sauce yet to try. Maybe just something simple like olive oil and lemon juice, with pine nuts on top.
Other dishes where rose could be delicious: sushi rolls, muffins, crepes, as a side sauteed with mushrooms (okay that's just cheating from the ravioli idea), homemade apple sauce, chutney, and yogurt (if I start having farmers' market dairy again).
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Goodbye, California
Tonight's my last night in California, and I really am going to miss it. Even though I was home for a solid month, it really feels like I just got here. I can't believe I'll be in class again in three days. SO surreal.
I did not have much time to rest this break, but it was still great. I went running outside for the first time in months. I went to the beach and saw breaking waves. I caught up with old friends, including one very old friend who I'm extremely happy is back in my life. I started enjoying hot yoga, and went at least once almost every day. I'm now so much more flexible than when I arrived in CA it's ridiculous, and the instructors at the studio now know me by name. I also took the plunge and went vegan (22 days and counting), which I know will be much harder to maintain in Baltimore in the winter.
I wonder what returning to Baltimore will be like after this respite. There will be jet lag, of course, and the shock of having to take care of things like groceries. But what about bigger differences? Will I be able to keep up veganism on the East Coast? Can I afford a regular membership at a yoga studio? Will I keep working out every day? Or were these changes just part of my vacation?
I don't feel ready for 3rd quarter to start. Unlike previous terms, I'm now more nervous than excited about my schedule. I have four classes I am required to take and a fifth class that's "helpful" for my dissertation (Molecular Epidemiology) and therefore encouraged to take first year, plus the arsenic research project I started last quarter. I got essentially nothing done on the arsenic project over the break, but my boss was really understanding. I thought she would flip out that I had been a flake over vacation and then been too incompetent to make up for the lost time, but she was very nice about it, and I think it will be fine. As Julian of Norwich says, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." It's even possible that I might start getting paid for the arsenic work next quarter, which would be AWESOME and would make a yoga membership much more financially doable.
The other thing that's going to start in earnest next quarter is the hunt for my next apartment. I'm going to start scoping out neighborhoods more carefully and figure out whether I really want to stay in Baltimore city (maybe rooming with Andrew in Fells), or move to Silver Spring (a DC suburb) with Tayler and take a longer commute to school, or move to Owings Mills (a quiet Baltimore suburb) and ride the underground railroad directly to work. At this point I'm leaning towards Silver Spring and the proximity to DC, but I should check out the apartment complexes and see if any feel right and are affordable. Jesse sent me a really helpful email describing her apartment hunt there, but I really should go see the places for myself.
That's all for now. The next post will probably be from Baltimore. Goodnight, California! It was nice to see you again!
I did not have much time to rest this break, but it was still great. I went running outside for the first time in months. I went to the beach and saw breaking waves. I caught up with old friends, including one very old friend who I'm extremely happy is back in my life. I started enjoying hot yoga, and went at least once almost every day. I'm now so much more flexible than when I arrived in CA it's ridiculous, and the instructors at the studio now know me by name. I also took the plunge and went vegan (22 days and counting), which I know will be much harder to maintain in Baltimore in the winter.
I wonder what returning to Baltimore will be like after this respite. There will be jet lag, of course, and the shock of having to take care of things like groceries. But what about bigger differences? Will I be able to keep up veganism on the East Coast? Can I afford a regular membership at a yoga studio? Will I keep working out every day? Or were these changes just part of my vacation?
I don't feel ready for 3rd quarter to start. Unlike previous terms, I'm now more nervous than excited about my schedule. I have four classes I am required to take and a fifth class that's "helpful" for my dissertation (Molecular Epidemiology) and therefore encouraged to take first year, plus the arsenic research project I started last quarter. I got essentially nothing done on the arsenic project over the break, but my boss was really understanding. I thought she would flip out that I had been a flake over vacation and then been too incompetent to make up for the lost time, but she was very nice about it, and I think it will be fine. As Julian of Norwich says, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." It's even possible that I might start getting paid for the arsenic work next quarter, which would be AWESOME and would make a yoga membership much more financially doable.
The other thing that's going to start in earnest next quarter is the hunt for my next apartment. I'm going to start scoping out neighborhoods more carefully and figure out whether I really want to stay in Baltimore city (maybe rooming with Andrew in Fells), or move to Silver Spring (a DC suburb) with Tayler and take a longer commute to school, or move to Owings Mills (a quiet Baltimore suburb) and ride the underground railroad directly to work. At this point I'm leaning towards Silver Spring and the proximity to DC, but I should check out the apartment complexes and see if any feel right and are affordable. Jesse sent me a really helpful email describing her apartment hunt there, but I really should go see the places for myself.
That's all for now. The next post will probably be from Baltimore. Goodnight, California! It was nice to see you again!
Making a dent
This has been a discouraging week for me, politically. Between Senator Murkowski's suggested amendment, yesterday's Supreme Court ruling, and a "thanks for writing" email from Focus on the Family with a link to this position statement,
http://www.family.org/sharedassets/correspondence/pdfs/PublicPolicy/Position_Statement-Response_to_the_Global_Warming_Debate.pdf.
it is easy to imagine that environmental reform in this country is on an almost vertically-tilted playing field. Still, I have been making positive changes where I can, and I feel some of these efforts may yet yield fruit.
The Orange County Register is "definitely considering" my letter to the editor explaining the scientific consensus on climate harms. The readership of this right-wing rag has major influence over the national Republican party. I won't sway anyone's political view on cap and trade, but that wasn't the point of this letter. I'm just hoping some high-hitting Republicans will read this and feel inspired to learn more about the science, instead of dismissing it it as "unsettled" or a "UN power grab". If I dampened the "scientific consensus is a liberal lie" drumbeat even for a moment, I will count it as a major personal victory.
Coast Hills Community Church is now "considering" issuing a statement on global warming. I doubt very much that they will go through with it, but they humored me while I was here, and I think they will at least bring it up at their Board of Elders meeting. If Coast Hills takes on climate change, it's likely that other mega-churches in the area (Mariners, Saddleback) with which they have close working relationships might also address climate change. This could be the best way to win over Rick Warren, and through him, much of the religious right. I tried the direct route but didn't make it through his Chief of Staff. This indirect approach may fare better.
I talked with a lady from NRDC two months ago and pointed out some of the health harms of synthetic fragrances. Yesterday in my email was an NRDC "This Green Life" bulletin about the health harms of synthetic fragrances. Because of the new focus by a top-notch lobby, and the small number of interested parties on this issue, it's now possible that Toxic Substances Control Act reform will include provisions addressing fragrance labeling problems. This would make life so much easier as an environmental health researcher!
The new pro-environment political alliances I've been imagining might actually come into being. I got an excited response on the phone from World Wildlife Fund climate campaign coordinators about seeking help from AARP and the NRA. Emily is taking my bundle of suggested partnerships and presenting them to the Alliance for Climate Protection at their big meeting today. I don't know how well my ideas will stick, but am excited to have started things moving.
I understand that nothing is guaranteed to come from my efforts, but it is satisfying to feel like I'm doing what I can.
http://www.family.org/sharedassets/correspondence/pdfs/PublicPolicy/Position_Statement-Response_to_the_Global_Warming_Debate.pdf.
it is easy to imagine that environmental reform in this country is on an almost vertically-tilted playing field. Still, I have been making positive changes where I can, and I feel some of these efforts may yet yield fruit.
The Orange County Register is "definitely considering" my letter to the editor explaining the scientific consensus on climate harms. The readership of this right-wing rag has major influence over the national Republican party. I won't sway anyone's political view on cap and trade, but that wasn't the point of this letter. I'm just hoping some high-hitting Republicans will read this and feel inspired to learn more about the science, instead of dismissing it it as "unsettled" or a "UN power grab". If I dampened the "scientific consensus is a liberal lie" drumbeat even for a moment, I will count it as a major personal victory.
Coast Hills Community Church is now "considering" issuing a statement on global warming. I doubt very much that they will go through with it, but they humored me while I was here, and I think they will at least bring it up at their Board of Elders meeting. If Coast Hills takes on climate change, it's likely that other mega-churches in the area (Mariners, Saddleback) with which they have close working relationships might also address climate change. This could be the best way to win over Rick Warren, and through him, much of the religious right. I tried the direct route but didn't make it through his Chief of Staff. This indirect approach may fare better.
I talked with a lady from NRDC two months ago and pointed out some of the health harms of synthetic fragrances. Yesterday in my email was an NRDC "This Green Life" bulletin about the health harms of synthetic fragrances. Because of the new focus by a top-notch lobby, and the small number of interested parties on this issue, it's now possible that Toxic Substances Control Act reform will include provisions addressing fragrance labeling problems. This would make life so much easier as an environmental health researcher!
The new pro-environment political alliances I've been imagining might actually come into being. I got an excited response on the phone from World Wildlife Fund climate campaign coordinators about seeking help from AARP and the NRA. Emily is taking my bundle of suggested partnerships and presenting them to the Alliance for Climate Protection at their big meeting today. I don't know how well my ideas will stick, but am excited to have started things moving.
I understand that nothing is guaranteed to come from my efforts, but it is satisfying to feel like I'm doing what I can.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Writing is hard.
Writing is hard. I used to enjoy it, but lately my writing has become totally linear and I have lost the ability to talk in a waltz. I'm rusty and know it.
So I've started a blog, to get myself back in the habit of thinking slower and articulating better. The classes I've had the last few years all require a pincer-like mentality of dissecting ideas and making ordered lists. While that's the nature of the work I hope to do, I don't think that's the kind of person I want to become: literal, linear, limited to what can be linked or unlinked in a logic chain.
Maybe it's more than just the classes that have done this to me. When was the last time I went on a walk without caring where I wound up? I don't even remember. I go from Point A to Point B, possibly with a few pre-picked stops along the way. I never, ever, ever go out and keep going, making turns as it suits me. Maybe it's because I know my feet will get tired and I don't want to be stuck someplace awful with no one to come pick me up. But in writing or thinking, that's perfectly fine. You can start one place and wind up somewhere you didn't map out ahead of time.
And what about life? Before graduating college I had figured out (and even gotten a tentative offer on) my ideal post-doc. New developments make me think that's not actually the direction I want to go, but I had mapped out my training completely in my mind and set things moving in that direction. That's almost ten years of my life. Completely planned out. And not even the correct ten years - I've since changed my mind on what I wanted to do! But I felt compelled to figure it out for myself and to have a plan I could fall back on.
I did the same thing for college. Freshman year I would make a new four-year plan every other week, saying "this is how I will become an Art Historian" or "this is how I will become an Environmental Engineer." Neither is even close to what I'm doing now. Even when I know I don't know what I'm doing, I like having a picture of what I am going to be like down the line.
And it extends beyond academics. When I was dating Izaak, I started thinking about the relationship in longer terms: should I pay to do a masters at Berkeley so I could stay close by in the Bay Area? Days after I started thinking about planning my next years around him, he dumped me. I was so wrapped up in my hopes that I was oblivious to the writing on the wall. And I haven't learned my lesson. I just caught myself speculating on a romantic future with a (wonderful) guy who it turns out isn't even available.
So this is my January 21 Resolution: I'm going to start living less in my head, and walking less in a line (except in Baltimore where I might get mugged if I tarry), and writing less like a drone. I'm going to start savoring circles and pointless errands. And hopefully this will break me out of a mental habit I don't think is doing me much good.
Cheers
So I've started a blog, to get myself back in the habit of thinking slower and articulating better. The classes I've had the last few years all require a pincer-like mentality of dissecting ideas and making ordered lists. While that's the nature of the work I hope to do, I don't think that's the kind of person I want to become: literal, linear, limited to what can be linked or unlinked in a logic chain.
Maybe it's more than just the classes that have done this to me. When was the last time I went on a walk without caring where I wound up? I don't even remember. I go from Point A to Point B, possibly with a few pre-picked stops along the way. I never, ever, ever go out and keep going, making turns as it suits me. Maybe it's because I know my feet will get tired and I don't want to be stuck someplace awful with no one to come pick me up. But in writing or thinking, that's perfectly fine. You can start one place and wind up somewhere you didn't map out ahead of time.
And what about life? Before graduating college I had figured out (and even gotten a tentative offer on) my ideal post-doc. New developments make me think that's not actually the direction I want to go, but I had mapped out my training completely in my mind and set things moving in that direction. That's almost ten years of my life. Completely planned out. And not even the correct ten years - I've since changed my mind on what I wanted to do! But I felt compelled to figure it out for myself and to have a plan I could fall back on.
I did the same thing for college. Freshman year I would make a new four-year plan every other week, saying "this is how I will become an Art Historian" or "this is how I will become an Environmental Engineer." Neither is even close to what I'm doing now. Even when I know I don't know what I'm doing, I like having a picture of what I am going to be like down the line.
And it extends beyond academics. When I was dating Izaak, I started thinking about the relationship in longer terms: should I pay to do a masters at Berkeley so I could stay close by in the Bay Area? Days after I started thinking about planning my next years around him, he dumped me. I was so wrapped up in my hopes that I was oblivious to the writing on the wall. And I haven't learned my lesson. I just caught myself speculating on a romantic future with a (wonderful) guy who it turns out isn't even available.
So this is my January 21 Resolution: I'm going to start living less in my head, and walking less in a line (except in Baltimore where I might get mugged if I tarry), and writing less like a drone. I'm going to start savoring circles and pointless errands. And hopefully this will break me out of a mental habit I don't think is doing me much good.
Cheers
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